Romance Review: Fifty Shades Freed

Fifty Shades Freed

By E L James

(aka, the BDSM Happy Ending Book)

Cover Art:  Keeping with the same Twilight-esque simple symbolism, this cover provides a naughty little smirk to readers... freed indeed!  Also, I am tired of seeing all the cakes modeled after the Twilight book covers, so I cannot wait to see the ones dealing with this book.  Can I cut anyone a piece of handcuff cake? 

If you have not read my first two reviews of 50 Shades of Grey and 50 Shades Darker, I suggest you do so.... wouldn't want to ruin anybodies big fun.



The tease: "In a class all by itself." This old line again? What EW?  Can you not do better than that?  Here, I will help you:

"At points you want them all to die in a fiery crash, but then you get some words about love and it somehow gives you Stockholm syndrome and you keep reading." - Me

The heroine: Anastasia Steel Grey: Wifey of a BDSM sex god.  Wants her independence but then wants to be a submissive.  Just like the character cannot make up her mind about what she wants, either can the reader.  I had drastic mood swings while reading this book.  I cheered and jeered for her all in the same paragraph.

The hero: Christian Grey, CEO Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.: I hate him. I love him.  I hate him. I love him. I want to kick him. I love him. I am routing for his death in a fiery crash again.  I love him. I am tired of hearing about his penis. I love him.

The witty sidekicks:
I was routing for the villains BIG TIME in this book.  Elena (aka Mrs. Robinson) should have shown up and bitch slapped the whole lot of them and locked them in her dungeon with the other two subs that showed up to make Ana super uncomfortable with their creepy similarities and need to reach out the Ana, the girl who finally won the big bad Grey. Hyde was a pretty complex character, much more so than Ana's best friend.  As a matter of fact, I felt that most of the "good guys" lacked any sort of likability.  James is definitely better with the Villains.

Her dark secret:  She messed around and made a blip then dumped Christian to save his sister from the bad guys.

His dark secret:  Same as it ever was.  Mommy issues, self-esteem issues, abandonment issues, he would totally be the guy running into the Cornucopia in the Hunger Games issues,. keeping his palms from twitching issues... In the poetic words of Jay Z, he's got 99 problems.

The seduction:  Make-up sex. All they do the whole book is fight and then have make-up sex, sometimes fighting during the sex.

Locations for romance:  Luckily they finally described that they DO in fact take care of hygienic necessity.  They pee and brush their teeth.  THANK GOD!  Here I thought I was the only one. As far as romantic locations, there are tons.  Most notably the new locations include a plane and a meadow.

Kink:   I now know why romance books do not usually last 1624 pages.  After awhile the same two people doing it, albeit kinky, becomes mundane.  No amount of kinky toys, danger, fake fighting or vanilla caressing is going to change it.  They become comfortable in their bedroom and so does the reader.  Next thing you know everybody is going to be hanging out in bed on their phones watching kitties dance on Youtube in their pajama's.

The Fabio Factor - The final Score:  9/10 - In the Romance world Christian Grey is the hottest most fascinating male character since Fabio (sure, Fabio was more of a figurehead, but you get the picture).  I am intrigued to see who they find as the perfect human embodiment for the film. 





Fabio still wins... unless Christian Grey is played by Damon Salvatore. Then Fabio goes down in a blaze of finely quaffed glory.... In other news I refuse to share my centerfold with you. It is MINE.